how I came to realize that loft beds are awkward…

I like beer. and I like being adventurous and trying new beer. so, when I received a witty new OKC e-mail (from a recently divorced lawyer with a sexy looking beard and appropriately chunky-but-not-too-hipster set of frames) inviting me for a drink at a bar known for its extensive beer list, naturally, I said yes!
The bar was maybe a touch to loud, but the beer was good and he was an easy conversationalist. Most of the time, in loud places, I tend to get pretty quiet. Loud is not my thing. Thankfully, by an “easy conversationalist” I really meant he was a talker lawyer…I should’ve known. But, I found his stories interesting enough and I was certainly attracted to him physically. I don’t know what it is exactly, but I’m a sucker for the hairy man. so, he had that going for him. After a couple of beers and a few stories, he made an off-handed remark about being the mayor at a bar uptown….and I squinted my eyes at him and said, “mayor? as in foursquare?!” and he said something about how (insert whatever day of the week it was) was his “night” at his bar. Well! Clearly, I needed to witness this mayorship in action, so I suggested that we move uptown.
And so, we ended up in his bar, which is german and only serves beer in HUGE steins…of which I drank 2 (well, 1 and a half, but it might as well have been the full 2…cuz at that point i was just plain drunk). So, when he suggested we go back to his apartment, naturally I didn’t even hesitate. I mean, he’s a lawyer with an apartment in midtown! Clearly, I needed to see the digs…and I was totally ready to make-out with this cute bearded man.
So, we cab it to his place. He says hi to the doorman, we ride up the elevator and all the while I’m thinking, “so this is how the other half lives?”…And then we enter into the SMALLEST STUDIO I’VE EVER SEEN. and I immediately remember why I love Astoria so much…but that’s beside the point. Anyway, we shuffle into his apartment and we start making out on his couch. Why his couch and not his bed, you ask? Because the genius decided to try and maximize the space by building a loft bed. not buying. BUILDING. but he hadn’t quite finished all the building. he was missing one thing: THE LADDER…
So, we are playing high school and doing some heavy petting on his couch…and we are in the process of removing some choice items of clothing when he asks if I want to move to the bed. I look at him, then up at the bed and then back to him…and make a joke about me having short arms…and he says, “I’ll give you a boost.” Well, I know from previous experience that sex on a leather couch can sometimes get messy and…I mean…if I stand on the couch, it can’t be that hard to get up….right? Well, never in a million years did I imagine that I would be an adult woman, naked, getting a boost (read: his hands were all up on/in my ass and his face was super close to that area for a first date) onto a loft bed by a man I barely knew. I felt a little like a beached whale, flailing limbs and jiggly bits trying to get back out to sea, or in my case, to the top of the mountain…but I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as I’m making it sound.
I mean, really! I was his first date since getting divorced (RED FLAG!!!)(that I chose to ignore) AND he was about to get laid….so I’m hoping that he was suitably distracted by the other things about to happen that he didn’t notice all the flaws that I was obsessing over in those 5 seconds that it took for me to actually get onto the bed.
Enough about by insecurities…
He followed, with surprising agility, and we were soon back to making out, but now we were in the comfort of his bed. Somehow, he had managed to keep his boxers on while I had been awkwardly naked for the trek to the top…so I went to remove his boxers and turn up the heat. And as my fingers started to graze under the elastic of the waistband he got a little too excited and came before I even got the chance to see it.

huh. well, that’s a buzzkill.

Truth be told, I don’t fully recall exactly what we said after that. We were nice. We said we would call. And somehow, I made it back down from the crazy loft bed (unassisted by him this time) and back into my clothes and into a cab and back to my beautiful, spacious apartment in Astoria. And neither one of us called the other. And that’s okay.

There could be many morals to this particular story, but I’m going to go with: don’t get involved with men who have loft beds. it’s too complicated.

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the awkward sympathy date

I guess D thought I was a morning person because we set up another brunch date. Almost as soon as we set a date, I got buyers remorse; I didn’t really feel like going on a second date with him, but I couldn’t really pinpoint anything bad about him…so I went anyway. This time I met him in his area on the UES. It was raining buckets when we got to the restaurant, only to discover that it wasn’t open for brunch on the weekdays. convenient. so we went back to his apartment. even more convenient. He just happened to have all the brunch fixings on hand; fresh bagels and shmear, fruit, coffee, OJ and champagne for mimosas…if I liked him more it would’ve been really cute. Instead, I found it a little off-putting and maybe slightly creepy that he probably planned this. But I’m a good southern girl and find it very difficult to be rude to people…and he had gone to all this trouble…and so I stayed and tried to eat some bagel and I definitely downed a couple mimosas.

I was being really quiet, feigning tiredness, and he was running out of questions to ask and things to talk about, when all of sudden he says, “if you’re tired, we could always do some cuddling in my bed.” NO!!!!!!! my plan back-fired! Me being tired was going to be my out after I finished eating! I’m not always the quickest on my feet when it comes to moments like this, and in this particular moment I drew a complete blank. I, literally, could not think of one reason to say no. So, we went to his bed. I gingerly laid on top of the sheets and he was kind of spooning me and stroking my hair. Once again, if I liked him, I would’ve been in heaven. I’m a sucker for people playing with my hair. But this was AWKWARD. and I needed to get out of there. So, like any other normal girl in this situation, I decided the best way to do that was to give him a little make-out session and back off and feign purity when he wanted to get really heavy. ha! (I’m fully aware this makes me somewhat of a horrible person)

AAAANNNNNND, we’re making out. EWWW. He is the softest kisser and has the gentlest touch. I am clearly the alpha in this situation (which I don’t enjoy that often). He wants to be all intimate and soft and personal and I’m clearly on the wham, bam, thank-you m’am path. Almost immediately he starts talking about how bad he wants to go down on me. Now, normally, I would be ALL FOR IT…but not now. I’m not in the mood to get all vulnerable and soft in front of this person that I don’t really feel any attraction towards. So, instead, like any other normal person in this situation, I offer to go down on him. WHAT?! He was awkwardly vocal, I was awkwardly quiet, his spunk was a little funky and then it was over. I put my top on and said I had to go.

I don’t really remember exactly what we said. I do know that he continued to email me a lot of the next couple weeks and after not responding for a bit, I finally was pretty blunt in an email and said I wasn’t that attracted to him…probably not the best choice as far as how to deal with him, but let’s just say I’ve grown a lot since this experience. Nobody is perfect, right?

moral of the story: don’t go on sympathy dates and, FORTHELOVEOFGOD, please don’t give sympathy BJ’s. not worth it. for either party.

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ready or not, here I come….or that time I joined OKCupid…

I’ve since come to realized that EVERYONE (and their mother) in NYC has, at some point, created a profile on OKC…but, in this moment, this felt like a huge step for me. I remember agonizing over every detail of my profile: does this sound witty enough? is saying I like board games too nerdy? craft beer; too pretentious? Anyway, I digress..and online profiles and their insanity could (and probably will) make a whole entire blog post/rant, but I’m not ready for that yet! SOOOOO…..

I think it’s very telling that even while I knew Adonis and I weren’t in a relationship, I still couldn’t really bring myself to go out on dates with other people. My first boyfriend wasn’t really until I was a senior in high school and that relationship lasted almost 4 years…and my shortest relationship was about 10 months…I’ve never been one to even attempt to date multiple people at the same time. I guess there’s a first for everything because I was bound and determined at this point to date; like actually go out for dinner and drinks with LOTS of guys, nay, TONS of guys; I was going to be a dating machine.

Like that other website I joined, I got an overwhelming amount of messages in the first couple days after joining OKC. Most of them were duds, but a few sounded at least a little promising. I responded to a handful of them-

and D responded first. He seemed nice, had a good sense of humor…and while his pics were a bit blurry, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt b/c his emails were great. Oddly enough, we met pretty early (for me, that’s like 11am) one random weekday morning for breakfast at Sanfords. **which is pretty much an Astoria institution…so you should definitely go there for brunch at some point. the peanut butter pancakes will change your world** He seemed nice enough, maybe a little quieter then I was used to, but the conversation flowed easily enough. As far as his pictures, I guess he looked liked his pics…he was MUCH paler then I imagined, and he was a ginger, which isn’t normally my thing, but I can’t really hold that against him. It was a gorgeous day out, so after we ate we meandered in Astoria a bit. We walked through the park, he showed me his first NYC apt…and we ended up back at my place. I mean, it was warm out, we both needed some water, he needed a restroom…it only made sense, right? UGH. As soon as we were in the apartment, I regretted my decision. I really wasn’t interested in hooking up with him, but it wasn’t like we were just going to sit on my couch chatting the afternoon away. So, he finished his water and I made some excuse about having to go into the city and we had a really awkward embrace and he left.

and later that day I got an INCREDIBLE email from him. So sweet, insightful, and it even made me a little tingly down there. which clearly made me forget about the only mediocre experience I had with him that morning. soo…..I replied back and we set up a second date.

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how Ryan Gosling got me laid, or…our second date

So, it’s a week later and we’re at Nitehawk Cinema (it’s in uber-trendy Williamsburg, but I went anyway)

My black Adonis meets me at the bar and we chat over drinks while waiting for the theatre to open. I am secretly overwhelmed by his beauty…does he wax? because there is not a hair on his head or arms or anywhere else that I can see (my body temperature rising as I think of the other potentially hairless parts of his body that I can’t see)…the doors open and, ever the gentleman, he takes my coat and allows me to pick our seats. We sit and order food (Nitehawk is one of those new movie grill type places); burgers and fries it is. *** Keep in mind: I have no problems when it comes to food. I can definitely hold my own. boys: you have been warned.*** We get our food as the lights dim and Drive (starring the aforementioned Ryan Gosling) begins. I had NO IDEA what this movie was about and while I thoroughly enjoyed it, it was, perhaps, not the best thing to watch while eating juicy red meat. It’s pretty gory and I lost my apetite quickly…oh well. Adonis wasn’t taken aback by my supposed girlish and dainty appetite. The movie ends and he slings his arm over my shoulder and guides me to “one of his favorite” dive bars. A couple of drinks in and I mention that I feel like dancing. He gets a big grin on his face and says dancing sounds great! He pays, AGAIN, and we head out into the night in search of a bar/club with a good beat. We make it about 2 blocks when he takes my hand and whispers in my ear, “I would really like to take you back to my place right now.” I swear, he could have said anything and I would have said yes. his low, raspy voice, the heat of his breath on my neck, the possessive way his hand cradled my lower back…I would’ve committed major public indeceny and not even batted an eyelash if he had wanted to take me right there on the sidewalk. but instead we got in a cab and did some heavy groping on the way to his apartment.

He had mentioned how he works all the time and rarely spends time in his apartment, but woah! he lived like a spartan. with only a desk and a punching bag in the living area and a bed with pristine, white sheets, there was almost nothing else in the apt!

It is not my intention to make this an X-rated blog, but let’s just say HOLYGODPRAISEJESUS! what a perfect specimen of the human race. I don’t think there was a blemish on his body. You can insert any number of sayings here and they would all ring true: “black don’t crack” “once you go black you never go back,” so on and so forth. As my first time back in the dating scene after a long hiatus, I felt like I had struck gold! but more importantly, he didn’t just look good, he made me feel like I was just as beautiful. He was also one of those rare guys that could go for hours without cumming, which worked to my advantage because I LOVE SEX.

there, now you know. I love foreplay and oral and all those things too, but I REALLY love sex. and this was REALLY GOOD sex…like, porn star quality sex. It started off all rough and dirty, slowed down and became a bit more intimate and I came multiple times. enough said. I left that night (in another cab that he paid for) worn out and bruised and TOTALLY satisfied.

And that was the last night we ever went out on a date.

I continued to meet him at his place for mindblowing sex in the wee hours of the morning (and the occasional afternoon delight).  I pulled a Carrie Bradshaw and showed up once in nothing but a bra and panties under my coat, and he even offered me really sound advice in some brief pillow talk when I lost my job…but WE NEVER WENT ON ANOTHER DATE.  and somewhere down the line, about 6 months after we met, I left a really great piece of jewelry at his apartment and I realized I really wanted to see him to get the necklace back…not that I wanted to see him because I cared about him or he cared about me…and so I let the necklace go and I haven’t seen him since.

Well…I actually called him about the necklace, and told him to send it to me and then I text him a reminder with my address too…but he never did send it.  oh well.

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the best things in life are free, or…my search for a Sugardaddy

at this point, I don’t even remember what, specifically, was happening in my life to make me think, “yes, let me join a sugar website instead of a more normal/mainstream dating site.” maybe it was my penchant for older men (when all my girlfriends in middle school were drooling over JTT, I was trying to enlighten them on the positive attributes of Sean Connery), or the fact that I’m a foodie that can’t support her celebrity chef restaurant habit, or that I’m pretty much a starving artist who barely makes rent…really…the impetus is not important. the fact is, I joined a Sugardaddy website! and I wasn’t even that discerning; I went with the first one to pop up in my google search:

I had more than a few reservations about joining a site like this; I really was looking to date in the hopes of finding a LT relationship and these sites are known for attracting NSA relationships…I didn’t want to be arm candy for a grandpa and did young(er) men even go on these sites?…and by “mutually beneficial” do they mean that these men are only interested in sex…what am I doing?!

But, create a profile I did, and wow! what a response! In the first 24 hours I received almost 100 emails and too many “kisses” to count. and not 1 of the 100 appealed to me. If I still had the emails, I would grace you with some of the most lewd and crude, but I’ve since deleted my account…what a dissapointment…i know. But before I decided to quit this crazy website, clearly, I needed to do some exploration of my own. I stumbled upon many stereotypical profiles: married, investment banker, looking for cute, fun co-ed, willing to help with tuition, etc. and then I found it!

He was 37, extremely fit and handsome (read: a beautiful black man with the best body I’ve ever seen), with a GREAT smile and a normal profile (ie: nothing kinky or co-ed related and not broadcasting the need for NSA). Our correspondence was witty and brief and we met for drinks just a few days later. We laughed and bonded over our mutual distaste for the website, he paid for the drinks and then asked if I wanted to accompany him to meet a couple friends. Suffice it to say that as far as first dates go, this one was a winner. We drank and partied the night away (with him picking up every tab) and then he hailed me a cab, we made out for a couple minutes (boy, can he kiss!) and then HE paid the cab driver and I enjoyed a free cab back to Astoria from the LES. He called the next day and we made plans to go out again!

clearly, all did not turn out well…but more on that later! (pretty good cliffhanger, right?)

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well, it’s about time.

it’s been almost a year since I seriously started my foray into the online dating world and what a ride it’s been so far! Many of my friends have spent countless hours and far too many bottles of wine (and/or Hendrick’s) listening to my ups and downs and they’ve finally convinced me that blogging about my adventures is a worthwhile endeavor.  I remain a little skeptical on this point, so please give me feedback: I wanna know what you love, hate and want to hear more of….and I’ll, also, happily take dating tips and suggestions too 🙂  Stay tuned for a slew of posts, as I re-live my dating life of 2012!

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